These are qualities that one must possess to work in Corporate America. It is simply not just a requirement, but a way of life, as I have noticed. ::please note the sarcasm to follow::
1. Never read your email, completely or thoroughly.
Why the heck would you send someone an email if they aren't going to read it? Same goes for why leave someone a voicemail, or even send them a memo - heck - why even tell ANYONE ANYTHING if they just don't care. Right. So when you invite me out to happy hour, and I decline, and write a reason as to why in the text before I send it, I kind of expect you to read it. Just kind of. And on top of that, do not hold it against me as to say "I missed out" or how much cooler you were/are than I am just because you went to this shindig and I was too busy working.
2. Coolness/Misfits
If you are too cool, you won't make it. If you are too much of an odd ball, you again, will not make it. You have to middle of the road, cool enough to play with the big guys but yet down to earth enough to hang with the little people to make it. But this is all in how you define success. If you think being successful is to stab one another in the back (or front) and to (pardon my french) talk shit with a smile, then heck yeah - on the way to the top you go! But until you learn how to master these things... you're just stuck, at square one, in the copy room... or in my case, in a box with no door. At least the copy room, has a door...
3. The Outfit
You can't look the part enough. If your toes hang over, don't buy the shoes. If your heel sticks out from behind, don't buy the shoes. High water pants, only cool for HIGH WATER situations. Walking means to pick up your feet, not drag them across the carpet in small tiny steps because your clothes and shoes are too small. Sticking out your chest - ladies, not attractive, especially when approaching the too old ages, and most importantly, if your bad outfit comes with a bad personality/attitude... note to myself, I gotta move cubes, pronto. Other personality traits - please steal everyone's food, ask about the weather EVERYDAY, say "ok" 1,000,000,000,000 over the course of the day, "mmm hmmm" becomes your natural response after every other word, and yes, please, RETIRE SOON.
Anything too trendy, won't get you anywhere. Anything too much like what I described to you above will just leave you stagnent in your position, for 7 years. (seriously.)
4. Assume = Ass + U + Me
Never assume someone is bright enough to make decisions that not only involve logic, but also COMMON SENSE. I will focus my thoughts on common sense as a topic of discussion soon. Assuming goes with communication, which is a nice compliment to USING YOUR NOGGIN. I've assumed, I've played dumb and not assumed. I just lose and am just an ass. I just have ASSME, or MEASS. Whatever.
5. L.I.E.
This is the key to success. Some like to call it "learning to bull shit" others like to call it "conversation starters"... whatever you want to disguise for this 3 letter word... it is what it is. To LIE is to Lead Idiots Endlessly... over the river and through the woods, to a deep dark tunnel that has no light at the end or pot of gold... and to top it all off, lying becomes a way of life... and then before you know it, Boss Man is going to be on that tv show with the lie detector asking about whether or not he wants to cheat on his wife or whatever questions they ask... and because he has tried to master the technique of LIE -- he'll pass a couple rounds with flying colors.
There isn't really any point to this post. The point is, every day I see something different. Every day I am either made to feel like scum, worthless and invaluable because of one reason or another. Sucks to feel that way. Sucks that people's jobs ARE aimed to making you feel like living under a rock may be better...
Underappreciated. Underpaid. Underminded. Under-represented. Understood... by very few.
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