The only thing I've done in the last week is daydream. I haven't daydreamed in maybe 3 years due to some unfortunate circumstances in my life that left me little to "dream" for. It's been a steady 2 months in my new position. I've learned a lot of new lingo and tried to be a sponge and just learn everything, but constantly I feel like all of my work when delivered isn't good enough. Though this is partially to blame of who I directly report to because perfection is her middle name. Others in my department see my work as valuable and actually "good", she just sees me as nothing more than a worker bee who says how high, when she says jump.
I guess I am stuck in that, is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life stage. Not yet near the quarter life crisis, but soon to be there, I am just sitting around each day, doing as I am told, but not really fully understanding if this is my true calling. Watching WALL-E last night was such a tug my on heart strings. I wanted to cry, literally, at the end ... when WALL-E doesn't remember EVE due to all of the things that happened to him in the movie. Robots falling in love on a Friday night with me, crying over them. Now that, is a sad moment...
But at work, Boss Man, as self-fish as I thought he was, I've noticed that most of management just looks out for themselves. It's a dog eat dog world out there and my Oprah attempts to befriend and to get along with others, isn't really something they acknowledge or reward. But it is a human instinct of mine to develop relationships and to embrace them, and I am sorry if that is not acceptable in the business world, but in life, I tend to believe that this is very important and why I am me.
Building relationships is like constructing a building. You have the foundation, the design and the vision. Much like construction, it does not happen over night unless your name is Ty and is the host of Extreme Makeover. Relationships develop over time and grow with experiences, and are tested against hardship and struggle. I am not saying all relationships have struggle because sometimes the mere action of letting someone in and sharing your life with them is enough to bond two people. For example, yesterday was an extremely insightful because someone I met at work, who was the most guarded person since me, opened up and shared his life, his struggle with love, and his passion for a new outlook on life - which made me so happy that he felt compelled to confide in me.
This brings me to my next point. I already made a point about "dating" on this blog somewhere momentarily. Not that YC and I ever dated, we just became really good friends. Though writing without thinking can get me into trouble, as my lunch buddy has constantly brought up - I've noticed that this time, I will process my thoughts before divulging them onto the page.
Another consultant... (man, what is it about them?!) has been with the company for about 3 years implementing this project. Though this project I believe is a complete flop, has turned our company's processes into a joke and our cycle time has tripled since October - we are still spending millions on trying to fix this problem. But this is where I believe in fate and I believe in chance. As I get interrogated by my work mom about this guy, 3 weeks later, we finally have a decent conversation with my initial introduction of myself. To make a long story short, I do not take chances with people that I know can hurt me. I don't stick my neck out on the line or even take things to the next level like carrying a "normal" conversation with them because in a sense, I feel that if I let my guard down a little, I will somehow end up the victim.
Going back to work - so why do people care if I am simply conversing with this consultant? It is because work is like high school. Work is gossip. Work is just a bad place sometimes because we spend so much time together and at the end of the day, life is more interesting when you have soap operatic moments, then when you sit at your desk for hours on end, by yourself, in silence. I know next week can be filled with drama. Only because lunch is a 5 letter word with the meaning of "date" embedded in it.
Working. Am I truly happy with what I have stumbled upon? Not sure. I still envision a life where I can work with people and do something with relationships and plan events and be creative. Though I am being creative now, it's just "never good enough" which gets me every single day.
To my point, I've daydreamed about this consultant. I've daydreamed about a new career. And I've daydreamed about the last years of college. I need to dream up of something fast... or else another year will have gone by, and I still will be writing these thoughts on this page...
